Good leadership happens from a place of choice.
What got you to the level of success you are at today is saying “yes” to almost everything. It has served you well, so say “thank you” to all those times you said yes. However, saying yes has come at a cost and getting to your next level of success will require you to say “no” to almost everything.
How many times have you said “yes” to things without even thinking about whether you wanted to or had the capacity to do it? Saying “no” probably didn’t even occur to you. There are lots of reasons why this is the case for so many of us. Here are some of them:
- We have a need to please. “What will she think of me?” “I know it would make them happy.”
- There’s a fear of disappointing or hurting someone. “I don’t want to disappoint her.” “I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings if I don’t go.”
- We feel guilty if we can’t. “I’d feel so selfish if I said ‘no’. How could I turn them down?”
- We’re unclear about what’s involved. “Well, I guess I could do it.”
- We defer to authority. “I have to. She’s the boss.”
- Reciprocation. “I may need the same sometime.”
- We feel a sense of duty. “I owe it to them.”
- There’s a need for power. “If I say ‘no’, they’ll think I can’t handle it.” “Now he’ll owe me a favor.”
We all have different reasons for defaulting to yes.
In my life, my cocktail for saying “yes” has been a mixture of a need to please combined with a need for power. This unique combination came from a need to be needed and included. By saying “yes” to nearly everything, I was guaranteed to be included. Gen Y and Z’ers might call this motivation FOMO (fear of missing out).
For me, “no” wasn’t even an option. It almost felt like death. Not feeling needed or included felt like the worst thing in the world.
The reasons are different for each of us, but whatever the reason, there’s always a cost to saying “yes.” There’s a lot of talk around the need to say “no,” but few people consider the cost of saying “yes.”
The cost of saying “yes”
The question that most people don’t ask before being a “yes” to a request is this – What will the “yes” cost you? The following are questions to assess the cost if you say “yes.” It is critical to be ruthlessly honest with yourself when answering these questions. Otherwise, don’t bother.
- Will this fill me or drain me of energy?
- What will be the impact on my time?
- If I’m a “yes” to this, what will I be a “no” to?
- Will this be in the top 3 of my priority list?
- Will I actually do it or will it create an open loop?
- How does this align with my highest commitments or values?
- Does this fit my unique gifts and abilities?
Recently I was working with a VP client of mine, in an ongoing process around guarding his time and learning how to say no. He’d been asked to become the coach of his daughter’s soccer team and he was unsure about what to say. The team was struggling to find volunteers to help, and he’s a family-oriented person, so he wanted to do it for his daughter. He felt like he should say yes to this one, but he knew he needed to say no more to be effective and grow his leadership. Instead of focusing on the reasons why he should say yes, I asked him what the actual cost of saying yes was – how was that going to impact his work and family? He realized that he would have to balance it with everything else that was going on, which meant he’d have less margin, and it would be a source of stress. After that he realized it would impact his own mental health and therefore the stability of his family and at that point, he realized he needed to say no.
There’s a difference between simply considering a no, and understanding the true cost of saying yes. When you don’t truly understand the cost of saying yes and the impact it will have on your life, it’s much easier to convince yourself to be a yes. In order for this to happen, you have to create enough space between the request and the answer to honestly ask yourself this question.
Overcoming the fear of the “No”
Just as important as looking at the cost of your “yes,” is the importance of analyzing the actual cost of saying “no.”
At the heart of many of the reasons we compulsively say “yes” is fear. We fear the ramifications of saying “no.” Saying “no” then can be a very hard choice but might be exactly what you need to do. It can be helpful to take an honest look at that fear and the true cost of the “no.” Entrepreneur, Blogger, Podcaster, Tim Ferriss, provides a method called fear setting for overcoming fears in deciding anything. Over the years, I’ve adapted it to support clients to overcome the insidious fear of saying “no.”
Write down your answers to the following questions for a situation where you want to say “no” but are resistant or hesitant to do so. Write and do not edit—aim for volume. Spend a few minutes on each answer.
- Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you said “no” to a certain request. What doubt, fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider it? What would be the permanent impact, if any, on a scale of 1–10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do you think it is that they would actually happen?
- What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the upswing, even if temporarily? Chances are, it’s easier than you imagine. How could you get things back under control?
- What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios? Now that you’ve defined the nightmare, what are the more probable or definite positive outcomes, whether internal (confidence, self-esteem, etc.) or external? What would the impact of these more likely outcomes be on a scale of 1–10? How likely is it that you could produce at least a moderately good outcome?
Ferriss says, “What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
What are you waiting for to say “no”? If you cannot answer this without resorting to the previously rejected concept of good timing, the answer is simple: You’re afraid, just like the rest of the world. Measure the cost of inaction, realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps, and develop the most important habit of those who excel and enjoy doing so: action.