A client (let’s call her Judy) shared last week that she wants to mentor a peer of hers. Judy asked, “How do I do this without bulldozing him and while maintaining the solid peer relationship we currently have?” She went on to say that this particular peer is new at managing and is having a lot of challenges. He is making a lot of missteps in leading his team and struggling with things like disciplining employees, communicating agreements and expectations, and answering questions on critical emails.
It can be tricky to know how to support someone without overwhelming them or without hurting the relationship that you have. I’ve had that in my life and it’s tricky because many times you’re friends or colleagues, and you don’t want to screw that up. Have you been in that situation, too?
Step 1: Seek Permission
The way I coached Judy (and the place for you to begin) is with a question… Is this person open for honest feedback? In any type of feedback, coaching or mentoring opportunity, this is where you must begin.
Judy thought the answer was “yes” but she wasn’t 100% sure.
Maybe you don’t know the answer to the question if they’re open to it or not, but you need to find out the answer if you’re truly interested in helping this colleague and want to support them to improve!
Step 2: Are you ready and willing?
Now, when I say feedback, I don’t mean just a couple suggestions. I mean direct, honest, difficult to hear feedback. In the case of Judy, she saw specific areas where her colleague was missing things and having struggles and challenges in his leadership and management. Leaders must be prepared to give that honest feedback. Most people in their life don’t have someone who is going to tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
But, if you just dive in and start coaching or mentoring someone without permission, that is what I call “sneak attack” coaching. The results are going to be average, at best. Think about a time when you received unsolicited feedback or coaching. How did you feel?
In Judy’s case, she received the other person’s permission to give them feedback. And she was willing to go the distance and give her honest, direct feedback to the person.
Step 3: Create an Agreement and Set Boundaries
The next step is to establish an agreement on what this part of the relationship is going to look like. Get agreement on:
- What will the coaching/mentoring will look like?
- How often are you going to meet?
- What do they want from the coaching/mentoring?
- What are you willing to bring?
Take the time to define what you are about to do before you give a single thread of feedback. Going into this without agreement is only setting you both up for trouble.
This approach isn’t just for peer-to-peer. This process works for giving feedback to a direct report. It is important to remember that these type of conversations are different than other type of conversations. It’s different than day-to-day manager to direct report conversations and it’s different than normal peer-to-peer interaction. It has a different tone and takes a different approach if you’re going to mentor or coach someone so that they can improve.
Here’s a quick summary:
Are they open to feedback and are you willing to be 100% honest? Find out and then get agreement with them that you’re going to give them feedback and let them have it. I don’t mean hammering over the head with it, but give them the feedback. Let them settle into it because it may be hard to hear. Finally, create an agreement on what the mentoring or coaching relationship is going to look like.
The catalyst for this conversation was The Intentional Leader platform that provides leaders like Judy with access to world-class coaching and leadership development without breaking the bank or disrupting the course of work. If you care deeply about your people but don’t see how you can invest in them, check out The Intentional Leader platform.