I asked my wife this morning what I should write about. I felt like she had something to say. She quickly answered, “Write about empathy.”
Immediately, my thoughts went to our marriage. We’re in a season of renewal where I’ve become aware of my failings as a husband, father and leader in our family, so I immediately took her request as an opportunity to reflect on where empathy is (or isn’t) present in our marriage.
Sandy snapped me out of that thought by pointing out the absence of empathy in many of the human interactions she has and its clear absence in much of what we see going on in the world at-large.
A lack of empathy is…
- Being unable or unwilling to see another’s perspective
- Taking another’s words or actions at only face value and not considering what might be the reason behind them
- Diminishing or disregarding what is clearly important to them
- Making someone else small or dumb (if only in our mind) for something they did or said (or did not do or say)
It’s not enough for me to stop here and say, “Be more empathetic. It’s the right thing to do.” and move on. The world would nod its collective head in agreement and move on to the next platitude in their news feed. I invite us both to look deeper.
I’m still working to understand my lack of empathy but what I do know so far is that it’s an over 30-year-old story of survival. The theme of this story is “I have to win, and you have to lose” or “I have to put myself in the best light possible.” As a kid, I wanted to be liked…actually I needed to be loved. I needed that to survive and I created the story that to be loved I needed to look good, to have it all together and be a winner.
Empathy has no place in this story. Having empathy would mean that I would have to put myself in someone else’s shoes and/or view them as an equal or maybe even that they are right and I’m wrong. All those mean that I lose, and they win or at a minimum that I’m less than and I just couldn’t have that happen.
In lots of ways, that story has worked for me and I’ve gotten away with it, but that old, old story is ending. The cost is way too high and what I want to create is way too important. The cost is losing the most precious relationships in my life. The cost is being found out as a hypocrite in saying and teaching leaders one thing and doing another. The cost is giving my daughters a model of a man that would be replicated later in their lives.
I don’t expect that this piece will be sufficient for you to identify the source of your lack of empathy. That’s deep work that requires a counselor, coach or skilled friend, but I do hope this can serve as a gateway to that deeper look. Start here…
- Ask for feedback from several people who’ll actually tell you the truth about your level of empathy. Ask questions like, “What is your experience of empathy from me?”, “What do I do that makes you feel diminished or disregarded?” (REMEMBER: These are tough questions and very few people will give you honest feedback)
- Ask yourself: What is the payoff for not having empathy? (Believe me there’s a payoff. Otherwise, you would already be doing it.)
- Ask yourself: What is the cost of not having empathy?
The payoffs of authentic empathy can be profound in leadership, personal relationships and even your relationship with yourself. Deeper connection, others saying, “I want to follow you,” and fewer (or at least shorter) conflicts, to name a few.
I’ve got lots of work to do on this and am working with both my coach and a couple of trusted (and skilled) friends.
I’d love to hear the insights you’re taking away from this post and what tiny action you’ll take as a result of those insights. Put those in the comments below or email me.