Like many leaders I know, I’m well intentioned. I care deeply about the people I lead and in the midst of crisis, conflict and strategic decisions, I place the interests of my people on equal footing as the results. I’m committed to this and yet my efforts fall flat or go unappreciated.
For a few years, I’ve been using the question, “How can I support you?” The question typically comes after someone on my team or in a training class has expounded for a couple minutes on a situation or problem they’re facing. I use the question to get the other person thinking and to discern where it is they would like to focus. Thinking and prioritizing are two things most leaders want their people to do more of.
In my experience, this question makes people uncomfortable and even frustrated. I experienced this recently in a workshop with thirty accountants where a number of them raised questions about how to lead their teams better and with specific obstacles they were experiencing.
After they shared some of the context and few grumbles about the fact that have to even focus on this, I asked, “How can I best support you?” They didn’t respond immediately but the looks on their faces said, “I don’t know, you idiot.” “Didn’t you hear what I just told you?” “Why can’t you just respond to what I just said?” We eventually worked through each case and I either coached them or provided a response that supported them to take action.
Then the feedback forms came back a couple weeks later and in at least four or five of them, they all asked that I stop asking the question, “How can I support you?” The feedback was that they are overwhelmed, frustrated with the situation they were facing and not sure how I could help them.
I love the feedback AND I still love the question, “How can I support you?” but I’m moving forward with a new question that could be even more useful. I invite you to add this new habit to your leadership tool belt too.
When someone comes to you with a problem or situation, instead of asking “How can I support you?” ask them “What specific part of what you shared would you like help with?”
There are three elements to the shift in the question:
- “How” to “What” – Many of us get stuck in the “how” to do something. Asking “how can I support you?” potentially takes a person back down that rabbit hole of stuckness and drives us into frustration. This can be an important thing to look at but in your fast-paced world of work, getting someone unstuck and into action can be one of the most important things you can do.
- Open ended to specific – The original question of “how can I support you?” makes the person think but it can put them in the giant open sea of possibilities and this adds to their overwhelm. Asking them “what specific part of what you shared…” challenges them to prioritize and determine what is most important in that moment. Another factor (in most cases) is that time is of the essence and getting specific through prioritizing honors this factor.
- “I” to “you” – The original question requires the person to determine what they think you’re capable of doing or providing. Instead of having them focus on you and your ability to help them, shifting to the new question puts the attention on them and the help they need.
Take on a seven-day challenge and use this question every time someone approaches you with a situation they want your input on or answer to.
Let me know how it goes and schedule a time for us to talk if you need support along the way.